Connecting with our children

You’ve got this!

Parents, despite everything, you are doing your best! And that’s good enough. 

“Parenting has changed so much. When my children were young...” This was the start of a conversation I had, on a train journey from London, with a great-grandmother. Incredulously, she recounted, seeing her granddaughter negotiate and compromise with her children. “It’s all about asking them what they want! We used to just tell children!”. Perpetually confused and at times, riddled with doubt and guilt, I stumble through the maze that is modern parenting. And this random encounter on the train didn’t help...

Hopefully in the first of many articles, I will share my experiences as a parent (of three teenage children, aged 19, 17 and 13), and a teacher (and houseparent) of 23 years and counting. A disclaimer: I am no expert. But then again, who really is?

Take technology – most of the time, we feel that we have no right to comment on our children’s use (or misuse) of social media because we don’t understand it. Well, we don’t need to. Safeguarding and indeed parenting, is not about technology, it’s about behaviour. And that is one area where we can feel more confident and assured. We know that our children need to feel loved and have a sense of belonging – they need to feel connected, and once this connection is established, we can tackle correction.

Pornography, bullying, sexism, unkindness – these aren’t new. Like music and fashion, they’ve been around forever but because they come in the guise of technology, we feel powerless. We know that these are the mere “symptoms” – they always have been. The causes of behaviour haven’t changed, only the technology...Look behind these presenting issues, and we’ll find the real issue.

The Reporting Inspector in our recent whole school Inspection asked me what I would change if I were able to re-write the PSHE (including the Relationships and Sex Education) syllabus. “Healthy relationships” was my answer. Everything stems from there. Our children need to feel loved and have a tangible sense of belonging.

Taking away technology, banning our children from certain things – these are not the answers and deep down, we know that too. These may challenge behaviour, but we need to challenge the real cause. Some of the real and brutal answers are feelings of neglect; the fear-of-missing-out (FOMO) and peer pressure. The creation of a safety plan, which includes communication, connection and compromise, is needed.

We need to create an environment where our children can safely manage risk – it’s not about banning or blocking. Empathy fuels connection; and we need to connect with our children before we can correct behaviour.

Our children are craving good role models and we are up against it. Our competition is the likes of Andrew Tate and the host of celebrities peddling their lives on social media. We need to assert ourselves boldly and bravely. We need to claim that space – the role model space, in our children’s lives.

Parents, let’s not be afraid to hold that door open, to offer to open that jam jar or stand up for the vulnerable. But’s that for the next article...